All The Things You Said

     Once upon a time in a magical land known commonly as “da sco”, there lived a little, black bird that went by the name of Elmer. Elmer was much cuter than all the pigeons and also more well liked. Sometimes people felt sorry for Elmer because he had elephantitis of the talon and messed up butt feathers, so Elmer was fed more than the other birds. The other birds were angered that they were given less food than Elmer was getting, from the humans. They sometimes picked on him and called him names, such as; tiny or retard-foot. This upset little Elmer very much.

     One day, Elmer became very fed-up with the hurtful insults and developed a plan. Elmer decided that some love spreading needed to go down. He thought and thought until he came up with a brilliant plan. Elmer would throw a festival in Frisco, but not just any festival, no, a love festival!

     Elmer promptly hired humans to organize the event, being that Elmer lacked opposable thumbs and knowledge of the English language. How did he communicate with the humans he hired, you ask? Well, it is really quite simple. Elmer searched all around Market Street until he found a crazy bird lady in an alley near Jack in the Box. This crazy bird lady could speak both English and bird, so Elmer told her of his plan and she got things going for him.

     Elmer had a vision for this Love Fest. He imagined that there would be a huge parade with many floats, naked and/or half-naked people, outrageous and colorful outfits, and best of all, techno music, all day long. “Yes, I’m a genius!” thought Elmer. “How could people not love one another with all of these great things going on? The only thing that could get in the way is if a dumb, drunken girl lends her phone to a guy named Scotty P., doesn’t get it back, then takes her anger out on innocent bystanders.” Fortunately, Elmer knew what to do if this problem occurred, he would call upon his seagull friends and have them poop on her head. Elmer was a very smart little black bird.

     After the humans organized everything for Elmer, they anticipated the big day. When it finally arrived, Elmer’s vision was achieved and there were many, many people all celebrating and spreading the love. The pigeons were not mean and did not call Elmer retard-foot, any longer. They equally shared all the Del Taco french fries that teenagers gave them and, starting that day, they lived together in peace and harmony.

From that day on everyone in da bay knew Elmer as Elmer: The Love Bird.

The End